I don’t want to get into whether or not you should be having an affair. We’ll leave that to the bible thumpers. In fact, I’m going to be the first one to admit that I’ve personally had affairs on many occasions in my life. Not since I met my current partner of course (just in case she’s reading, I love you Honey!), but in the past I’ve been able to successfully have affairs without ever getting caught. How do I manage to stay out of trouble? Let’s get right to it.

How to have an Affair and NOT Get Caught

The most important aspect of not getting caught cheating is building a story around the lie. You’re going to be missing from home for hours at a time and you’ll sometimes be unable to answer your phone (damn cellphones!). So what you need to do before even beginning your unfaithful adventure is to create a reason that will enable you to leave the house without your wife or girlfriend getting suspicious. It can be anything.

Here are a few examples that have worked for me. They may not work for you in your situation but maybe it’ll get your creative juices flowing and you’ll come up with something that will work for you.

• I once joined a baseball team. We had one game every week and one practice. I actually joined the team just in case she ever wanted to support me in the stands during a game. Of course, she was under the impression that we had 3 practices a week. The two extra practices every week were a couple of hours at a time that I can go do my thing without her asking any questions. Of course I chose nights that I knew she’d be glued to the television. Thanks American Idol! And of course, i couldn’t answer my phone when I was on the field 😉
• Starting a business. I started a business where I would go door to door selling magazine subscriptions. I would get paid a commission for every subscription I sold. Of course, i didn’t do too well but it bought me three months of free time to myself that I used to have fun with my new Asian fling. The best part about this is that an unsuccessful business means that I didn’t have to bring home a paycheck in the end. Something you’ll need to do if you use the whole second job excuse. So start a business, get some promotional material to carry around with you, and fail eventually. 
• This one is golden. You need to have a little bit of an evil side to go through with it. I did at the time and it worked great. It’s going to cost you a few bucks but it will be worth it for accomplishing our goal of setting up a story for our lies. Visit a couple’s therapist. Tell your wife that you think it would be a great idea for the two of you to go to a couple’s therapist to improve your relationship. For some reason, all women see this as a sign that you love her and are trying to improve the foundation of your love. All you need to do is tell your therapist that you’re in love with your wife and are happy with your marriage but sometimes feel like you’re losing your own identity. You feel like everything is always about ‘Us’ and never about ‘Me’. Any therapist in their right mind is going to suggest you take a few hours a week to do your own thing. Something that you love, fishing, sports, etc.. and the best part is that he’s going to suggest that no phone calls should be made during this “YOU” time.